Frustrated...

I just need to vent....

I am not really sure what to do anymore. I have spent an eternity looking for "my" perfect man. Not the perfect man, because he doesn't exist. But the perfect man for me. I did actually find him. I was so very happy. I met him through a friend. We started chatting and I became attracted to him before I even met him. We talked for about two months before I actually saw a picture of him. We made plans to meet. You see, he was in basic training... Not exactly easy to see someone when they are in training. But I decided I was going to go to his graduation. We spent months talking every chance we got. Weekends or when he could sneek some time on the phone. It was fantastic. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Seeing him on my caller ID immediately made me smile, no matter how crappy my day was. The day finally cam and I left for Oklahoma. I was so nervous. Would he still like me after he saw me in person? Were we going to get along as well in person as we did on the phone? So many thoughts... Good and Bad... I checked into the hotel and tried to sleep the night before meeting him. That wasn't easy either. I woke up the next more even more nervous than the day before. I must have tried on three different outfits before I decided what I was going to wear. Then I left for his Family Day Ceremony. It was so interesting seeing all the things that they had leaned over the past weeks. I was so very proud of him since I knew I never would have made it through. After the ceremony he was able to leave base and we spent the rest of the afternoon together. It was fantastic. I couldn't have been happier than to be standing next to him. We spent the next few days together when he was allowed to leave base. And I had the chance to see his Graduation Ceremony as well. Proud doesn't begin to explain how I felt. We thought we were going to have more time together but a paperwork mixup messed that up. I finally got to see him the next day and I was ecstatic. At the same time though I was a little sad. The next day was going to be our last say together and then I had to head back home. The next morning I anxiously awaited his call to tell me that I could come get him. He did call me, but it was to tell me that they weren't going to let him visit anyone that day. He had a lot of paperwork to do and such. I was devastated. I reluctantly packed my belongings and prepared to go home. I probably cried halfway to Illinois.... As the days went by he talked to me less and less. I didn't understand why. I thought we had got along so well. He said that I had nothing to be worried about when I asked... After a few weeks I decided to give him an out... If he didn't want to be with me I was going to force him to... He finally told me that he didn't know if it was a good time for him to be in a relationship with so much going on in his life. I told him that I understood, even though I didn't, and with that the relationship ended. Yet again, I was devastated. I spent the next few days crying. I finally pulled myself together and got into a few not so good relationships. I realize now I was just trying to fill a void. The spot where HE had once been. But no one could really take his place. He was and is one of a kind. It was a while before I could really talk to him again. I wanted to keep my distance but at the same time I needed him in my life. Several months later I found out that he was dating a girl. I was mad. I was hurt. I finally saw what this girl looked like. And many more thoughts entered my head. She was prettier than me... She was skinnier than me... And she was local to him. A few weeks later I found out that he married her. Utter Devastation. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. Most of all.. I wanted to die.For a while I stopped talking to him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to seem rude but at the same time I didn't want him to be with her. Eventually I sucked it up and tried to be a good friend. Someone to talk to. I refused to call her by name and referred to her as "the wife" when I talked to him. A few months after they married and while he was in Korea she asked for a divorce. Telling him that she had found someone else. I was angry. I wanted to lash out at her. Send her a message and tell her what an idiot and a whore she was. I wanted to tell her that she had a great man and she ruined the best that ever happened to her. But I knew none of that would help him. It would only add to his stress when she contacted him and told him what I said. So I bit my tongue. I make sure I talk to him daily now. Twice a day if I can manange it. I have told him how I feel for him. I don't know what will happen but he should at least know how I feel. We have briefly discussed working things out. I don't know if he really means it or is just saying "Maybe" to make me feel better. Only time will tell. He told me that we will see when he gets home. I know I shouldn't wait for him but what else can I do? I tried moving on... I was even engaged. I had to end it though. It just didn't feel right. I knew I didn't love that man and I just couldn't hurt somebody like that. I know what I want. Maybe it will work out and maybe it won't. If it doesn't I will find someone that is somewhat close. Someone that I can at least respect and care for. Who needs love anyway???

As I said... Just needed to vent. Sorry....